Guilt and Hatred
by Enigmaforum
Summary: She’s the passion in my life, the reason I keep going and without her here I would be nothing but a hallowed shell.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the storyline or the characters here. That honor goes to the marvelous Stephenie Meyer.**

**AN: Ok, so this is my first venture into the Twilight fanfiction universe. This honestly just started out as me doing a character development exercise for Edward because he's easily one of the most complex characters in the series. My imagination got the better of me though and I ran with it. I hope all of you enjoy it and if you could please give me some feedback that'd be great.**

**This takes place during Eclipse, before one of Edwards hunting trips and is in Edwards's pov.**

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I hated myself on nights like these. Nights when Bella was wrapped up in my arms secure and content but still somewhat restless. If I didn't know any better I would say she was tapping into my feelings of frustration, of discontent at what was going to happen tomorrow. I was leaving her to go hunting with my brothers and I sincerely hated myself for it, for having to leave her side for even a second. But she'd insisted I go with Emmett and Jasper, saying that I needed to go and feed on something more appealing than the common rabbit or bird.

I held in a laugh at that thought because that was my Bella, always concerned about me when she should be concerned about herself. I still couldn't fathom it but she still wasn't frightened of me or any of the baggage that was coming with being associated with me. She faced every challenge head on and at the end of every day, by some miracle, she still loved me. By now any normal person would be running for the hills but not my Bella. No, she stayed despite all the risk, all the harm that's already been done because she not only loved me, but because she constantly said that she couldn't live without me, just because she wanted, no needed to be with me.

And I knew that it was selfish beyond all reason, that I shouldn't put her life in such danger but I felt the same way when it came to her. Bella was my life, my very reason for wanting to continue on in this continuing existence of night. She filled a void in my life; my very being that had been there for far to long. With Bella my world was complete, my life had a purpose, to love her, protect her, to be with her for forever. With her everything made sense and when we were apart it really was like my world went dark.

I shuddered as my thoughts immediately drifted to the time when both of our worlds had seemingly died because we weren't with each other. When I'd left in an attempt to save her, a decision that, to this day I still regret with my entire being and shall do so for my entire existence. Leaving had done nothing but bring pain and suffering upon the both of us. I'd been a hallowed shell of who I once was without my precious angel by my side. My life was literally full of darkness because I didn't want to be in the light. I felt that I didn't deserve to share it without her.

And when I thought about what my leaving did to her, my throat closed and I knew that if tears were possible I would cry when thinking about it because I'd torn her to pieces. I'd intended for her to get over me, to be happy and live a normal life. But things hadn't happened that way. She'd let herself fall into a black hole of despair, and it was all because of me.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt her shift against me, a soft sigh escaping her lips as I tightened my hold on her.

"Edward." Hearing my name on her lips brought a smile out on my face. Despite the numerous times I've heard it I knew that I could never get tired of the way it sounded coming from her. It was enough to bring me out of the depression I was letting myself sink into and revel in the way she felt against me. My Bella was perfect for me in every way. We were each other's soul mates, truly and deeply. I don't even know how I survived without her by my side.

Which let me think about tomorrow, about how I wouldn't be near her for an entire day and night. The thought didn't sit well with me because I hated to leave her for even a class period at school. My mind always thought the worst when I wasn't with her because Bella was a magnet for trouble. I was always worried that a new threat would make an appearance or worse that _dog_ that she called a friend would appear.

I shuddered in revulsion at the thought, immediately blaming myself for their friendship. If I hadn't left Bella wouldn't of felt the need to seek comfort somewhere else. She and the bas-Jacob wouldn't have become so close if it weren't for me. I was now the one telling her she couldn't be his friend and I hated the look of pain that crossed her eyes every time we talked about it. I hated being the one to cause her more pain but it had to be done, for her safety and for my sanity.

I know she thinks I'm being overprotective but I can't help it. I had to survive without her once before and I'm not about to risk her being with a volatile werewolf. I need to keep her safe and with me. She's my angel, my reason for going on, without her I am nothing. Bella is my singer, she makes me who I am now, changes me for the better. She's my angel in so many ways, my everything, constantly saving me from the darkness of my mind. She's the passion in my life and without her I am nothing but a hallowed shell.

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**AN: So there ends my first venture into the Twilight universe. I really do hope you enjoyed it because I had fun delving into Edwards's thoughts. If you could give feedback it'd be much appreciated. But please don't flame it. Keep it to constructive criticism. Thank you in advance.**


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